Direct expression of vulnerability can be uncomfortable, so we often avoid it and communicate around it. There are contexts where this is plenty effective and appropriate, but in close relationships, it’s a habit that can stifle intimacy and lead to confusing conflict or a vague sense of disconnection. Below are some principles that will guide how build capacity for more honest engagement with ourselves and the people we’re close to.

1. Alignment of words and actions
Most people have some distance between what they say they want and how they act. I name these contradictions directly as I see them, so we can work with what conflicts we discover underneath.

2. Past emotional experiences shape present patterns
Lots of our limiting patterns stem from fear that we’ve learned from past hurt. We’ll look at how past experiences still drive current choices, and whether that protection is still working for you.

3. Noticing feelings alongside analysis
Emotion often presents as sensation before it becomes language. I may ask you to pause and notice what you’re feeling before we interpret it, or guide you through a meditation. Analysis can be useful, but it can also be a way of avoiding, so we’ll integrate analysis with your direct experience.

4. Freedom is choosing what you take responsibility for
Taking responsibility for things that matter to us can deeply meaningful. Growth comes from applying yourself, and in relationships that means contending with your half of the equation.

5. Change comes through new experiences
We’ll use the insight we discover to experiment with trying new interpersonal approaches, in and outside of session.

6. Compassion makes honesty possible
It’s hard to think clearly while attacking yourself. Criticism and shame about having needs add a second layer of suffering on top of the original one. We’ll suspend judgement to look at your situation honestly, so that we can really work with it.

If you’re interested in reading more about these principles, see the books below. In our work, I may suggest these or other books to support your reflection.

Batchelor, Stephen. Buddhism Without Beliefs: A Contemporary Guide to Awakening. Riverhead Books, 1997.

Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press, 2006 (originally published 1946).

Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. Harper & Row, 1956.

Phillips, Adam. Missing Out: In Praise of the Unlived Life. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2012.

Phillips, Adam, and Barbara Taylor. On Kindness. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009.

Sartre, Jean-Paul. Existentialism Is a Humanism. 1946.